I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
As shirtless as possible
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
