My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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