Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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