I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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