Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I'm really busy with my period
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