i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
