What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
