enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
