I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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