his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
