Moan for me like Helen Keller
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
