my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
