She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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