Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
