My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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