I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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