walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
