And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
