apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
