I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
