My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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