Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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