After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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