is your mom at the bar?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
