I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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