I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
