True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
