we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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