I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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