Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
