Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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