So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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