Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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