I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
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