my phone needs a breathalizer
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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