He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
