god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
