Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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