We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
