Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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