I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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