Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
