Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
