Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
