I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
