I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
