Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
