so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
When are your genitals available?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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