I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
