Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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