So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
