dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
